Australia now In The Thick of It‏

I get the feeling the current Australian team is a parody of themselves. A sitcom so well scripted that, along with all great satires, blurs the lines between fiction and reality.

 However, similar to the Joaquin Phoenix mockumentary, this meltdown is being played out in front of a disbelieving public. If this were art, rather than a sport with careers and millions of dollars at stake, the ruse would surely already be up.

 Let’s analyse what’s happened recently. Despite taking 4 top order wickets, Nathan Lyon was dropped for the 2^nd test for not being good enough to be a front line bowler. He was replaced by Glen Maxwell, who took 4 wickets in the 2nd test, but was then dropped for the 3^rd test for being an allrounder. Mickey Arthur explained ‘Maxi was bought here as an all-rounder type guy’. Convincing explanation. ‘I guess, in a way, he competes with Moises for one position’. They both played in the 2^nd test, despite competing for the same position? ‘so we’ve decided to go with our specialist attack’. Which was the catalyst for re-picking Nathan Lyon, the front-liner who wasn’t good enough to beat an all-rounder as a front-liner for the 2^nd test.

 Which means that, after failing to go anywhere near challenging India’s batting in the 1^st test, Arthur willingly weakened the bowling attack for the 2^nd. Or, would it be more the case that, despite Australia’s sternness in planning and, recently, paperwork, Arthur hasn’t got a clue what is going on and making up policies on the hoof?

 Mickey and Michael Clarke have then gone on to explain that ‘the 1%ers’ are missing. ‘The 1%ers’ was a catchphrase during the dominant Australian era, which would normally mean the difference between winning before tea on the 4^th day, or just after it (valuable drinking time).

 Frankly, Australia no longer have the cattle to be worrying about the 1%ers. Getting your best team on the park is what’s going to count. James Pattinson is, conservatively, worth 4 Xavier Doherty’s. Hence, dropping James Pattinson for Xavier Doherty is sacrificing 400% of bowling talent for 1% of providing feedback – since the management love quantifying these things, here it is in figures. It’s a 399% performance sacrifice for somebody not filling in a fucking form (as an aside, Mickey Arthur, who valued feedback so much after the 2nd test, has today deleted his twitter account – citing the fact that he didn’t appreciate the feedback from fans)

 Further to the Mohali Four incident, Shane Watson went home. He was not wanted in the team. He didn’t want to be there, and even considering whether he wanted to be there ever again. With Clarke’s back injury, and Watson now returning to India, this same deserter will now be promoted from detention to class captain in the space of a week.

 I’ll let this sink in. Shane Watson is about to captain the Australian Team in a test match. This is the same Shane Watson sacked for ill-discipline. The same person who was derided for his episodes of sulking when he didn’t get his way. The same person who was described, only last week, as ‘only sometimes’ being a team player by the man who is charge of looking after the team ferchrissakes

 In the background, India have been getting their house in order. Tendulkar aside, the team currently playing is selected on talent, application and commitment, not nostalgia. Winning inside 4 days after having 400 scored against you is something to behold.

 The future for Australia? Bleak. Every selection, bar Peter Siddle, is now under an injury, form, or quality cloud. As ridiculous as it sounds, Steve Smith’s accomplished performance in the 3^rd test is a further issue. Like Hughes being shielded from South Africa, he wasn’t meant to figure just yet.  

 Some have predicted they won’t win any of their remaining 10 tests in 2013. With England not setting the world on fire just yet, I think that’s a bit harsh. Predicting anything more than 1 win each home and away would be a little more than hopeful, however.

The End of the Road for The Middle of the Road

Shane Watson is thinking about quitting. That’d be a real shame. Australia haven’t had a number 4 score the occasional 20-30 since Dirk Whellham.

 I’ve long thought of Watson as being a mythical creature. Good judges of cricket fawned over his potential. His technique was near flawless with the bat, and he could bowl quickly. He worked hard in the gym, and most importantly of all, he used the appropriate amount of blonde hair dye to fit seamlessly into any Australian cricket team.

 Jeff Thomson also went on record as saying that he thought Watson was ‘shit. He bowls pies and plays blokes in for mine’. Having grown up with the fairly safe assumption to believe the opposite of what Thommo says, those who were on the fence that jumped on to the Watto-Wagon

 The fact is, though, his figures have never added up. His batting never quite dominant enough, his bowling too hit and miss. His figures, whilst respectable, were never in line with his own opinion of himself, nor his paypacket. An Australian team that’s been deathriding him since before the South Africa series, and have since described him as ‘sometimes’ being a team player. His long, slow, disbelieving walks back to the pavilion after being dismissed gave an air of feeling cheated by bowlers who weren’t good enough to get him out, rather than disappointment at playing yet another Hollywood shot and getting caught.

 The individual reactions to these (admittedly draconian and harsh) suspensions have been telling. Johnson has grinned and looked bewildered, Khawaja has had his manager speak for him, Pattinson has fronted the media and apologised, and Watson changed into a fashionable suit and headed for the airport, only stopping to do some shopping in Singapore and address the media (once in each location). His Sydney press conference is still to happen.

 I can only imagine he expects the team management to come back on hands and knees. It would seem that the vice-captain refusing to perform a simple task set out by the coach would mean that there’s a massive misalignment in both of their trains of thought, and that Watson will spend the next few years joining Chris Gayle on the T20 jamboree.

 Which would be a shame. Because, who else would we have to swear at opposition batsmen? Oh, David Warner.

Wake Up Call or Danger Sign?

I love laughing at Australia, and when a crushing defeat is followed by internal turmoil it reminds me of England tours of a bygone era. Throw in the fact that Mitchell Johnson and Shane Watson are involved and it really is the perfect situation for all of us to laugh at. Except there’s a problem. We nearly, very nearly, just lost to a New Zealand side who were bowled out for 45 only two months ago.

Alright, one bad match does not make for a bad team, but all the talk beforehand was how England were going to run away with this one, before an even more one-sided affair back in Blighty in May. “Not so cocky now are you bro?” is what every barman in south London is saying this week.

Where did England go wrong? From the outside it is impossible to tell. I hate blaming complacency, I’m an outsider so have no idea what was going on inside what most agree is a very professional set up these days, so instead I’ll return to my usual chest beating about one day cricket.

The shot selection in the first innings was shambolic, and can only really be attributed to befuddled minds. After all, the final Test in India was three months ago now and there have been eight ODIs since then plus the three match T20 series, and just one warm up game…which England lost.

That warm up defeat clearly did not act as a wakeup call, and instead England were forced to remember that Test cricket involves a bit of application and so bat out two days, something they have become very good at in recent times, but these really are not positions they should be falling in to. How to arrest such a slide comes down to Andy Flower, but I wonder if he gave Ashley Giles a call and asked him to explain what exactly he’d been teaching.

I’m delighted for Nick Compton. Why his place was under threat was beyond me, and I highly doubt that all the speculation did him any favours. He has a solid technique and the ability to bat time, which is what a Test opener needs. Throwing Joe Root in because he is flavour of the month was not the right move, let the lad bed in at six and his time at the top will surely come.

There have been some huge scores lately, and as such the debate linking flat pitches and dismal crowds is on again. This pitch was as flat as could be and gave absolutely nothing to the bowlers, almost as little as the bowlers got in Galle where 1613 runs were scored for the loss of 19 wickets. Eight centurions in a match cheapens an achievement no matter how you look at it. No wonder truly fast bowlers on the subcontinent are going the way of the dodo.

Hopefully England will bounce back, and hopefully in style. I am sure they at least will be doing their homework. Most eyes will surely be on the India vs Australia now though. A seismic beating from an Indian side that hardly had its head in the clouds could be on the cards, and provided England don’t meltdown again, the pre-Ashes self confidence could be about to go into overdrive.

Yahoo Serious; An Australian Humiliation‏

Australia are headed for another Indian humiliation in Hyderabad. This one is very much of their own making, you might say.

 The new selection panel have been afforded a fairly decent run so far. Although the public voted with their feet in regards to the rotation policy, there hasn’t been much of an outcry over poor selections since Xavier Doherty last played a test.

 The fact that Xavier Doherty is back playing this test indicates that nothing has been learnt in 3 long years, one even longer report, and countless indecipherable management-speak interviews. The selections have simply been baffling. They ignored Australia’s best performed Shield spinner, Steve O’Keefe. A theory was presented that his figures were enhanced by taking a bagful on a dry turner in Blacktown.

 Obviously he wasn’t going to face such helpful conditions in India, where they tend to produce more of a crumbly turner, so they didn’t want to take the risk. A first class batting average that was higher than Steve Smith’s when he made his test debut was discounted too.

 Which would be fine if they hadn’t picked Steve Smith based on one good innings on a dry turner in Blacktown. When Jackson Bird got sent home, there was an obvious call to replace him O’Keefe. The selectors steadfast refusal points to a couple of obvious reasons;

     O’Keefe is so well hung that he makes his colleagues feel inadequate in the dressing room

·              Somebody’s wife said they fancy his boyish good looks

·               Somebody’s wife actually acted on one of that; or

        They think he’s a bit weird, sort of like Stuart MacGill, he seems to sit and do that reading thing in books with no pictures

 Instead Australia have noticed that having 4 frontline bowlers wasn’t enough in Chennai, so have opted to take 2 frontline bowlers and 3 part-timers. I bet Che Pujara, the guy who England’s much-vaunted attack really struggled with, could not believe his fucking luck when Henriques came on first change, to be quickly followed by Million-Dollar-Maxwell.

 There comes a time when courage in your convictions becomes stubbornness. Australia have veered into the latter with not picking the well hung, lustful Steve O’Keefe.

 Damien Martyn, whom if Shane Warne had his way, would be coaching the players on how to protect the bigger set of stumps (another Warne suggestion), has suggested that the batsmen should take the blame here too. Much like Allan Border in the 80’s, Michael Clarke is exempt from this. Cowan and Watson could be playing for their careers tomorrow, unless (as expected) Shane Watson rediscovers his bowling arm just in time for The Ashes IPL.

 Phil Hughes is also struggling to adapt, although he is hardly the first 24 year old on his first trip to India to be undone by turn. A worry for him is that Merv Hughes has made more a telling contribution to this match than he has. Hughes (Phil) will benefit from a lack of any better options. Although Callum Fergurson could be firming in selectors minds with each innings he doesn’t play.

 Again, a few months out from an Ashes series and a subcontinental tour is leaving Australia in disarray. Whilst this won’t be as catastrophic as when Warney met A Very Generous Man in a casino (rendezvous not covered in the manifesto), things don’t look too good for Australia. They can take solace in that they were only 2 wickets away from becoming No1 only 5 months ago, and England (then No1) got towelled up 3-0 by Pakistan only 12 months ago.

There may also be an alternative answer to their selection problems for series against England. Pick the New Zealand 2^nd XI (How serious was Ronchi about switching?).

What Happened To Surrey's Youth Policy?

As a lifelong Surrey fan it is hard not to be excited at the prospect of Graeme Smith, Ricky Ponting and Kevin Pietersen all lining up at the Oval this summer, yet there’s something that doesn’t quite sit easy.

Although Smith and Ponting will only cross over for a couple of games, there is the possibility that Surrey could field a side that looks like this:

1. Smith (31)

2. Solanki (36)

3. Ponting (39)

4. Pietersen (32)

5. De Bruyn (37)

6. Davies (27)

7. Batty (35)

8. Tremlett (31)

9. Lewis (37)

10. Keedy (38)

11. Linley (30)

It does not take a genius to spot that this is not going to be the most agile team in the field. In the last couple of seasons Surrey have been accused of lacking experience and knowhow in the ranks. It seems now that Chris Adams is rivaling David Cameron in terms of policy u-turns.

On an individual basis it is easy to argue a case for each of these aging faces who have been brought it. Certainly guys like Solanki and Keedy are of a fine pedigree and could help in the bringing through of the younger members of the squad, guys like Jason Roy and Matthew Dunn for example. But if these guys never get to play, or are restricted in their opportunities, then what use is that?

Despite the Tom Maynard tragedy and subsequent departure of former captain Rory Hamilton-Brown, there remains a core of good young talent on the books at the Oval. Smith seems a good choice to lead them into a new and hopefully successful era, but when it comes to balancing the books there is no doubt that money will triumph and the bigger names will gain selection over those trying to prove themselves.

Chris Adams has proved himself a strong leader in the past, but I think 2013 could be his biggest Test yet – if this policy gamble backfires then I’d like to know what long term strategy is in place.

Australia Back to the Dark Days

In the space of a day and a half, Australia was taken back to the 80’s and 90’s. Tours of India back then were reduced to guffaws, beer that gave you headaches (a by-product of the glycerine used to preserve it in Indian heat, and extreme volumes 80’s cricketers consumed it in), shit food, food that gave you the shits, and a series of dodgy umpiring decisions. It was enough to drive some players into conceiving a Punjabi character that played on the worst racial stereotypes.

Fortunately times have changed. Except for Greg Ritchie, who was still somehow getting work as an after-dinner speaker, where he thought saying the word…. Actually nevermind. Facilities in India are now first class, and with 90% of players income generated in the country, it would be a foolhardy soul to complain in any case.

Which makes it even stranger that, with MS Dhoni seemingly channelling all the unbridled aggression that his countrymen on Twitter are renowned for, the Australian team decided to take their cue from the fraying team of late 90’s. Leaving the ever-impressive James ‘The Good Pattinson’ aside, who threw everything he had the India team (sweat, reverse swing, swearing at them through his lapel), the signs of the Hell Tours of old were coming back.

Nathan Lyon did his best Gavin Robertson impression. Robertson, described by Steve Waugh as ‘a cricketer of real substance’ but more accurately described as ‘the best man at Steve Waugh’s wedding’ and ‘the bass player in Six & Out’, toiled for 3 tests in India in 1998 for not much of a return. Lyon looks set on emulating this non-feat. His furrowed brow making him the oldest-looking international sportsman since Arjen Robben lost his hair at 21, his chin-stroking and lip pursing looking even less convincing with each knee high full-toss.

Lyon would appear to have until August 18, the day the ICC have decreed Fawad Ahmed an Australian, to save both his role of chief spinner and victory song leader. If he can start hitting the claymotion pitch(check out this picture http://instagram.com/p/WHNIpWOAbp/ ) then he may stand a chance of redeeming himself. With conditions the way they are, and Moises Henriques and Peter Siddle filling the Adam Dale role, he is still Australia’s best chance of revival.

Until then, the challenges lie with the Australian batsmen to either bat time for a draw, or score enough to put the game just out of India’s reach. For that to happen, Ed Cowan will need to put his sluggish performance, and also the looming, snarling, coveting shadow of Shane Watson to one side and play his normal game. Hopefully Dave Warner won’t let his still-fractured finger inhibit his batting in the same way he didn’t let it stifle his on-field batsmen abuse.

Or, just like most other innings of the last 18 months, they can leave it to Michael Clarke.

England Lacking Depth?

In 1998 a young England team travelled down under and experienced one of the worst maulings in modern sport. The tour became known as 'The Tour of Hell', and yet six members of the 32-man squad would return to Australia to win the Rugby World Cup just five years later. 

It was a young side, taken as a learning experience, but after losing the first match by a record 76-0 margin, they were basically doomed, and many of those players were never seen in an England shirt again. 

Seven matches on the tour, seven defeats. Why do I mention this? Well, there are at present another young England side down under experiencing an equally rough time. Five matches, five defeats and with just three more matches to play the class of 2013 could return with an even worse record than the pups Clive Woodward took to hell and back 15 years ago. 

However, should they return having cut the wheat from the chaff and leave the nation with future superstars then the exercise will be seen as worthwhile.but I have a worrying feeling that will not be the case. 

The tour has not received widespread attention yet, but a quick look at the results suggests that this has been the worst kind of one-sidedness. In the five matches England have lost by eight wickets twice, once by seven wickets, once by four in the only close game so far, and the most recent by 122 runs. All in 50 over matches. 

The worry then must be the bowling. Before Rikki Clarke took 4/55 in the most recent loss, nobody had taken more than two in an innings, and in fact nobody else has more than two for the entire tour. The best economy rate of the lot is 4.60. 

In the batting last summers diminutive Test debutant James Taylor has at least shown some form with one century and one fifty while opening bat Varun Chopra has two hundreds, but again, nobody else has impacted a great deal bar one good knock from Gary Balance. 

Perhaps the most worrying aspect of all this is that unlike the Tour of Hell in 1998, these guys are not up against especially strong opposition. England supporters have thoroughly enjoyed watching the crumbling of the great Australian dynasty, but we could be laughing on the other side of our faces soon. 

So far the Lions attack has been flayed by such luminaries as Ryan Carters (career average 18.94), this writers favourite target, Rob Quiney (twice), and the once promising Sean March (seven Tests at an average of 27) and taken apart by the bowling of Scott Boland (five first class matches to date) three times, and Fawad Ahmed, who at the age of 33 has played a grand total of 10 first class matches. 

Hopefully this is a blip, and many of these players, particularly guys like Taylor, Vince, Meaker, Hales, Kerrigan and Stokes will return as stronger characters. Right now however, they must be feeling something akin to what was felt by England touring teams throughout the 90s - in any sport.

Written by Alan Curr

*Since writing this piece a new story has emerged about two of the England Lions squad being sent home early from the tour
<http://www.espncricinfo.com/england/content/current/story/605612.html> for unprofessional conduct. Ben Stokes and Matt Coles have now made sure that the spotlight will fall firmly onto this group at the time they need it least. They can also be sure that should they feature in senior England squads in the future (Stoke already has done) you can be sure that the sentence: "As a promising youngster he was kicked off an England Lions tour to Australia for being a drunken idiot" - or words to that effect - will feature in every piece for the rest of their career. 

They are young, and they have clearly made a mistake, but I have to wonder if sportsmen will ever learn?